A Fresh Set of Eyes

Marriage can be tough, especially when you have a rocky past.

My husband, Chris, and I have been married for 22 years and involved in each others’ lives for over 25 years. We have experienced amazing highs and devastating lows, but we have stuck together through it all.

The first several years of our marriage were incredibly painful for both of us. Chris was secretly battling a war with addictions, withdrawal, isolation, depression, and anger due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). As a result, he made some very poor choices that almost ended our marriage. I was devastated.

It took a long time to forgive him for those early betrayals and even longer to heal from them. Unfortunately, forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. No matter what his current behavior told me, I knew his capabilities; he was the man who had hurt me and could possibly hurt me again. Those facts were etched in my memory.

As I was doing some household chores today, I started to think about our marriage and how much I love and appreciate Chris. Then, as I was pondering on how he might change in the future, it hit me; I am looking at his past to predict his future behavior, but he is not the same man I married.

After his PTSD diagnosis, three years ago, he began facing his ugly demons. He started taking responsibility for his choices and trying to reverse the damage to his closest relationships.

He has changed. His positive behavior has been consistent. It is not a temporary change, but a permanent one.

However, in my mind, who he used to be has been superimposed on who he is now. When I look at him, I see our journey together, both the good and bad. I feel love for him based on our history, not on who he is presently. How I currently relate to Chris is tainted by past actions he cannot change, and it is not okay. I may not actively hold those things against him, but our relationship is being held hostage by my memory of them.

I stopped my housework and asked myself some questions; if you met Chris as the man he is today and had never experienced your painful past, how would you feel about him? Could you love and cherish that man? Would you choose him? Would you find him attractive? Would he be a good father for your children?

Today, Chris is actively pursuing a close relationship with me and our children, by being supportive, loyal, caring, and involved. He looks for ways to show us that we matter to him, and he responds positively when we express our love towards him. He is handsome and fun. He is an engaged husband and father. He is willing to explore new interests, and he faces challenges, rather than running from them. His positive traits far outweigh the negative ones.

The thought of knowing him as the man he is now, without all of the junk from our past, is exciting. It gives me butterflies. I want to see that man. I would choose him and could cherish him. Somehow, I need to continually choose him.

Realizing that I needed help to make the necessary changes, I took a moment to pray. I asked God to detach my past memories from my present vision and to give me fresh eyes to see my husband. I asked him to give me a new love for Chris. Then, I asked God to renew the passion that our past experiences and familiarity have stifled.

It is a new day, and he is a new man. It is time for me to relate to him as one. I am really looking forward to the changes in my vision and our relationship.

Thank you for reading this week’s post.