While my husband and I were discussing my blog post ideas for this week, he challenged me to share what is churning in my heart. He said that my readers need to read it. So, I am sharing it with you, per his suggestion. I hope it speaks to you.
I need a little space.
This week, I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. I wanted to block out every bit of noise in my home and neighborhood. I was craving the creative process and a deep journey into my own thought life. I am a bit of an introvert, so I do my best work when it’s quiet. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get away from the commotion, so I settled for making a necklace while talking to a close friend. I love my friend and appreciate my new jewelry piece, but I needed something more.
September is a tough month for me because the 20th marks 3 years since my dad’s murder. My heart is so full of things I can’t get out in spoken words. I need to let my emotions breathe and to acknowledge my internal struggles. I want to write stories, craft poetry, paint art, and photograph nature until I get past the nagging desire to express myself. It is like a dam about to burst.
I would prefer to go away on a mini-vacation, but a shut off the phone, send the family out, sit in my backyard, creative binge may have to be enough. At this point, I will take whatever I can get.
I have learned that the way to get through grief is to take one step at a time, and I have taken many steps in the last few years. I have stopped crying every day, and I no longer pick up the phone to call him. I can look at his picture without feeling a huge, almost suffocating, knot in my throat and stomach. Instead, I feel a sad flutter and shed tears for a few minutes. I spend more time thinking about his life than how he was killed, and I smile when I remember his voice calling me by my nickname.
I need to keep moving forward, and releasing my heart creatively is part of that process. I want to make something beautiful from my pain, and I am sure that buried in my heart is a masterpiece with his name on it. I just need a little space to find it.
Can any of you relate?