A Process of Grief

Today marks 9 years since the murders of Daniel Smith (my father), Michael Hockensmith, and Angela Hockensmith. So much has changed for both of our families. We have celebrated graduations, the Hockensmith children have grown tremendously (Andrew celebrated his 18th birthday this year), my dad would be a great-grandpa of 10 (they were all born after his death), my sisters have both gotten married, and countless other events. Despite all of the changes, one thing has stayed the same – we still miss them.

Over the past 3 years, I have tried to write a post about a topic other than grief, but I can’t get away from it. Since I am tired of my writer’s block looking more like paralysis, I am going to give in and write on the topic I can’t shake – what I have learned about the grief process.

I am not the only person to experience deep levels of grief, and what I have gone through is nowhere near the life-shattering pain of some. My grief doesn’t look exactly like yours, and how I am processing it may seem messy. I am asking you, the reader, to join a conversation about a topic that is often avoided, overlooked, and misunderstood. Maybe, while we are walking together, we might both find our next level of healing.

Facts About Grief

Grief sucks

It sucks the breath out of your lungs, the fun out of your experiences, and a sense of normalcy out of life. Grief doesn’t care if you are young or old; it will take everyone captive at some point in life. Whether you are grieving the death of a loved one, loss of a job, end of a relationship, pandemic isolation, cut-short dreams, physical and mental illness, or whatever the type, your life will never be the same.

Grief hurts

It is painful to let go of someone or something we love. The ache may last for a few moments or an entire lifetime, but it will still happen. We are humans walking through a world that is full of sorrow. We may cry, scream, and question, or maybe we will sit in silence, hoping our loss is just a nightmare. Even if we never admit our deepest reactions to another soul, they will still be there. We will still be in our grief.

Grief Lies

It beckons you to every “what if,” “if only,” and “never-ending” scenario. It promises answers but never provides them. Grief declares in defiant shouts, “you will never make it through,” while trying to rob you of all hope, enticing you to sleep your life away, and stealing whatever bits of security you possess. It promises stability but instead invades your emotions at will and takes as many prisoners as it can for as long as possible. It can keep you locked in the past with little hope for the future. Grief never plays fair!

Although all of these things are facts about grief, what if they are not the highlight of our experience? What if our grief journey is meant to grow us, propelling us into our future, rather than cementing us in our past?

The Other Side

The longer I walk through my grief process, the more I am learning a different side to it.

Grief Focuses

It reminds me of a moment’s value. Each day, my heart captures events and encounters differently, and I remember that I will never get this exact time back. Change is our constant, and I try to bend with it more. Today could be the last time I kiss my husband and kids goodbye, spend an evening with my friends, or have a chance to encourage someone, so I try to make those experiences count. I am learning how to let go of worry and fear, which try to steal my time here on Earth. Instead, I choose to reside in peace, knowing God is holding my future and enabling me to walk by faith in him.

Grief Revives

It deepens my desire to live. I can’t bring my dad back and there are no do-overs with him, but I am still here to make an impact on the world around me. As I remember the times Dad ministered to strangers through his faith, love, and giving, I see an invitation to impart the life and legacy I have received. Dad’s story was not wasted, and I don’t want mine to be either. My grief process is not my death sentence; it is a call to a richer, more meaningful life.

Grief Moves

It requires you to make a choice – to move on or wither away. Although I couldn’t recognize it during the early months after his death, I felt guilty as I started doing new things that brought me joy. I worried I was leaving him and his memory behind in my experiences. As I recognized this trend, I started focusing on what he would want me to feel in those moments. Would he want me to stop living? No, in fact, quite the opposite! I learned how focusing on my future and choosing not to live in the past were honoring his memory. I could cherish every moment of our time together and still love him, in some ways even more, as I embraced my God-given life. Yes, I miss his smile, laugh, presence, advice, determination, and more. Although I will probably always miss those things, it is ok for me to move on. In a way, I am taking him with me.

The Price of Love

Queen Elizabeth II, who has recently taken her final journey home, so poignantly said in her message to NY after the attacks on 9/11, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

I wholeheartedly agree! We grieve deeply because we love deeply.

Today, our families are still grieving, and you might be too. I hope this glimpse into my journey has helped you process something in your grief. I am grateful to finally put some thoughts about the matter on paper, and I want to thank you for letting me share them with you!

If you would like to find out more information about what happened to my dad and the Hockensmiths, here are 2 documentaries, through the Investigation Discovery (ID) channel, about their case –

Broken Trust – episode, “Gold, Guns & God” (Season 1, Episode 3)

See No Evil – episode, “Come Quickly, I’m Afraid” (Season 7, Episode 5)

“Gold, Guns & God”