Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my dad’s death.

When I wrote my last post over a year ago, I never dreamed it would take me so long to write about the newly published documentary concerning his murder.

This has been my toughest blog post to write, and I really can’t say that it is my best. However, it is very transparent and lengthy, so thank you for taking the time to read it.

*Warning – May not be suitable for young readers*

Broken Trust

In September 2017, I participated in a show taped for the Investigation Discovery channel concerning the murders of my dad (Daniel Smith), Michael Hockensmith, and Angela Hockensmith. The program “Gold, Guns & God,” the third episode in their new series, Broken Trust, finally debuted in late June 2018.

As I waited alone in my living room for the program to start that night, I felt a combination of anticipation and numbness. Questions raced through my mind. What actor had they chosen to play my dad, and how would he portray Dad’s character? How graphic would they make the murder re-enactment? What parts of my interview would the production company include? What photos from the crime scene and clips from the 911 call would they use?

I was sure they would not use crime-scene photos that included my dad’s body since I had made it a condition of consent before the show’s production. However, I did not know if they would use photos of blood from the scene.

I hoped they wouldn’t.

My heart sank as the show opened with police cars racing down the road, sirens blaring, with snippets of Andrew (Billy on the program) pleading for help on the original 911 call. His sweet little voice sounded so scared. I could only imagine the terror Andrew was facing during the call. At nine years old, he had witnessed something most adults couldn’t handle, let alone explain to a 911 dispatcher.

I tried to regain my composure, dabbing at the tears forming in the corners of my eyes, as I watched the backstory of Allen (Kenneth Allen Keith) and the Hockensmiths. For a moment, it felt like I was watching any other crime show on television. There were no photos or voiceovers connecting those brief moments with my reality. Then, Dad’s character (played by Nicholas Haze) appeared at the pawnshop.

Tears streamed down my face as I watched Haze, who physically resembled Dad, act out the familiar scene.

Instantly, I flashed back to one of the many times I had watched my dad, briefcase in front of him, look through a similar tiny magnifying glass while inspecting the jewelry or gold he planned to buy. He was a shrewd businessman who enjoyed making a deal, especially with people who shared his love for God. I am sure he had many precious moments with Michael and Angela, haggling over precious metals and talking about Jesus.

I focused back in on the show, just in time to notice the interactions between Keith and my dad’s character. Although I had never seen Dad and Keith converse in real life, I thought the initial exchange was odd. First, Dad would not have shown Keith the gun under his jacket. Second, he wouldn’t have given Keith such a weird handshake. Dad was charismatic, strong-willed, and goofy, but never cheesy.

I stared at the screen, feeling numb again, as I watched Keith’s backstory continue to unfold. Several minutes later, Dad’s character walked back into the pawnshop. My heart softened as I watched the character’s interaction with Andrew’s character, Billy.

Dad loved kids. He enjoyed giving them presents and teaching them about his business.

I started to cry as I remembered the kindness in my dad’s eyes as he taught his children and grandchildren about Jesus, jewelry, finances, fishing, and life. So often, he kept his emotional guard up because of the pain from his past, but not in those moments. Those were the times I felt closest to him and the times he seemed most alive.

I wasn’t able to gain my composure after the scene with Billy. Instead, I braced myself, as the tears kept flowing, for the scenes I knew were coming and had pictured over and over again in my mind.

Murder Re-enactment

I began to sob uncontrollably as the police cars raced across the screen again and Andrew’s voice begged for the police to “come here quickly.” This is not just any boy pleading on the screen. I know this boy. I looked in his sweet eyes and hugged him tightly following the trial where Keith was finally sentenced. I kept picturing him, frightened, trying to answer questions from the dispatcher.

This little boy had just watched my dad and his parents get murdered. He really believed he and his sister might die too. My heart was beating loudly as I stared at the screen, wishing he had not been there that day and thinking, “if only it had been me instead.” A child should never have to go through something so horrendous.

Moments later, the police officers on the screen busted through the door. This was the part I dreaded. Although most of the viewers didn’t know what the police would find, I knew. I knew from the police report. I knew from the investigator and District Attorney’s statements the day of sentencing. And hardest of all, I knew from the crime scene photos of a blood smear that led to my dad’s lifeless body.

Up until this television moment, the world knew very little about what happened to my dad. They only had small snippets from news clippings to fill their imagination, but now they too had a picture. Although it felt like a prison at times, at other times, it felt safe to be one of only a handful of people who knew what really happened to my dad and the Hockensmiths. This moment felt like I had opened my front door and let the world come into my home and go through my most intimate belongings. I felt naked in my pain. I had nothing left to shield me.

I wailed as I watched Detective Peel and Mr. Bottoms describe the murder scene and their discovery of the kids hiding in the small back room. I remembered visiting the shop, on the one year anniversary of the murders, and seeing the room where they were hidden. I kept thinking about how it took a miracle for them to make it out alive.

I continued watching, wiping away more tears, as Charlene and Barbara described losing their children. It is a parent’s worst nightmare to lose their child, no matter their age. These two ladies had not only lost Angela and Michael but now they had to help their grandchildren heal from a life-altering experience they themselves could not comprehend. I can only imagine the pain they have silently endured through this tragedy.

The Toughest Part

At this point in the show, I am a blubbering mess. I can barely see, but trying to gain a little composure. I am starting to calm down a little when, BAM, I get hit with the gut-wrenching, heart-shattering moment of Haze, the actor playing my dad, lying in a body bag with only his face showing, as the bag is being zipped up.

I was crying to the point of almost vomiting. Although Haze resembled my dad a bit in every other shot, in this one he looked almost like a mirror image. It is strange how your mind will leave out details to protect itself. Even after seeing the pictures from the murder scene, listening to the murder details, and reading the police reports, my mind had never put him in the body bag.

The scene was too hard to handle. I felt like I had been sucker-punched and couldn’t catch my breath. The reality of his death pierced me like never before. Then, as if they knew what I would be feeling at that very moment, they played a snippet from my interview where I described feeling like “I had been punched in the gut.”

I zoned in and out for a bit while the show explained the days leading up to the murders, Detective Peel and Mr. Bottoms presented/explained the evidence, and Tracy Herald talked about his involvement. I felt like I was in shock. I think I was still recovering from the body bag scene.

Then came the murder re-enactment. By this point, I had cried enough tears to give me a splitting headache, puffy eyes, and mild dizziness. I just wanted to make it through this last difficult part. As I watched the re-enactment, I did notice they got a key detail wrong about my dad’s murder, based on the evidence law enforcement told us at the post-trial briefing. I remember asking myself, during the show, if investigators had given them the wrong information to keep some details hidden. Later, I was told that law enforcement did not purposely omit the information. However, I was glad to still have a few details about Dad’s murder remain private.

The rest of the show was a re-enactment of Keith’s arrest, actual footage of Keith in court, and some final thoughts from Charlene, Barbara, Tracy, and me. It was a touching ending.

I have watched the show many times since it first aired and several times while writing this post. The re-enactments and body bag scene still bring me to tears.

Moving Forward

You might wonder why I agreed to allow Investigation Discovery to tell this story, and even more so, why I agreed to participate in it if it was going to be so difficult. Well, it wasn’t for money, which is often what people assume. In fact, the only people who received any funds from the show’s production were Andrew and Naomi. Each participant was offered a little for the photos we allowed the production to use, but every one of us agreed to give our portion to the kids. Then, according to my understanding, the production company gave the children an extra donation.

One reason I went along with the project was to make sure the true story was told. Our case never went to trial, so the facts of the case were never released. There were many theories floating around about how and why the murders happened. I felt like it was important for people to know the truth instead of speculation, especially those who had prayed for and supported the victims’ families. And although not all of the facts from the case were shared, the show covered enough details to bring clarity to some confusion.

Another reason I participated was to tell my dad’s story. Due to a few factors, we didn’t really get to talk about Dad’s murder. First, we were asked to keep any case details private until the trial, to prevent accidental leakage of crucial evidence. Second, we were asked not to speak to the media. Third, I and one of my sisters lived several hours away from where the murders occurred. Our communities, unlike the Hockensmiths’, were unaffected by the murders and trial. According to the media, our dad was “the 3rd victim”, “Daniel Smith”, “the customer”, or “the gold buyer”. Our dad was so much more than his titles, and we wanted the world to see he was a person whose death mattered.

In addition to telling the truth about the case and giving a voice to Dad’s story, I wanted to talk about moving forward and forgiveness. During my interview for the documentary, I talked about my journey to forgiving Keith. I spoke about my dad’s faith and how important it was to him. I also talked about how not everyone who says they are a Christian means the same thing. I pointed out the importance of recognizing the differences between a person who is a Pastor primarily for the title/money/accolades and a Pastor who is truly the biblical definition. I hated hearing people talk poorly about pastors because of one so-called pastor who made some serious mistakes.

Unfortunately, most of the things I said did not make it into the show, but I would like to believe the unaired words had an impact on those who heard them during the interview.

So, would I do the program again, even though it was difficult to watch, had many missing details, and didn’t show everything I wanted it to?

YES!

The experience helped me to grow as a person, and it gave my grief a voice.

I hope those who watch the program, which can still be watched through Amazon (maybe other sites but I am not sure which ones), and read this blog post will experience some growth of their own. I hope they will be more compassionate toward those impacted by murder, and I hope they will recognize the people depicted on the screen are real humans with real pain. These documentary-type shows are not just entertainment; they are telling someone’s story.

Thanks for reading!