Today, my husband, Chris, and I are celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary.
We met at the beginning of my sophomore and Chris’ senior year in high school. He was an attractive and lanky JROTC (Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps) drill team leader with an abundance of hormones and a sweet smile. I was a cute, confused, and equally hormonal new student at our high school. It took a couple months for him to notice me, although I was smitten with him the first time I saw him.
We started going steady and got pregnant with our first child a few months later. It took nearly two more years before we got married. I walked down the aisle with a list of expectations – wanting a father for my child, a knight-in-shining-armor, and a fairy tale marriage. He longed to be a part of our daughter’s life and to fix the mistake of getting me pregnant.
Our marriage was a disaster from the beginning. We were both running from God and our religious backgrounds. We had dysfunctional family baggage, and we had no idea how to raise our child. Chris was struggling with symptoms of undiagnosed PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), causing him to be emotionally detached. I suffered from major abandonment issues and depression.
Our home was a war zone. When Chris came home from work, we would either avoid each other or start fighting. Instead of talking about a hopeful future, we frequently discussed divorce. This pattern continued for seven years.
Then one day, my neighbor drove me to get a same-day medical procedure, and afterward, we stopped at a coffee shop. I was half-drugged, Chris was away at an Army training exercise, and our two children were at a babysitter, so I was in no rush to get home.
Neither of us knew that the coffee shop doubled as a church. A few minutes after we arrived, I started telling the pastor, who happened to be there that day, my life story. Before I realized it, my self-preserving walls cracked, and I was opening up my heart. I showed up to church the following Sunday, and Chris started attending when he returned home.
Church did not magically fix our marital chaos, but it did begin to open our hearts to God and one another. After attending church for a little over a year, we realized that we had not initially invited God into our marriage. So on June 1, 2002, we decided to renew our wedding vows, this time acknowledging God’s role in our union. I am so thankful for that day because it was a tipping point in the right direction.
We both had tremendous brokenness to work through following our ceremony. We began to recognize ways in which our individual pasts and history as a couple were wreaking havoc on our present relationship. God started showing me the power of forgiveness and how Jesus’ blood had covered my sin and shame. Then, he taught me ways to extend forgiveness to myself and my husband.
As I began to recognize Chris as my friend and not my enemy, I started asking God to show me better ways to love my husband. The process took several years, including four lengthy deployments, of surrendering to God so he could deal with our individual pain. We both had to learn how to unconditionally love one another.
On August 26, 2011, after 17 years of marriage, we decided to renew our vows one more time. The first wedding was two young adults getting married, with themselves as the center of the relationship. In the second ceremony, two broken people recognized a need for God and willingly added him into their marriage. The third ceremony involved two committed people who promised to love and serve one another, each increasingly aware of their need for God, accepting of their spouse’s imperfections, and realizing marriage cannot be based on a fairy tale.
It only took three ceremonies to get married for the right reasons.
After 23 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that I love Chris more with every day. He is more handsome now than the first day I saw him. He is my friend, protector, lover, confidant, partner, and hero.
I respect the man he is becoming, and I choose to love him, even on our worst days. I honor the man who wakes up every day to face physical, emotional, and spiritual struggles head on, rather than running away from them. I appreciate his refusal to quit, especially when everything inside of him wants to give up. I love his determination to care for his family. Most of all, I am thankful for his continued pursuit of God.
Our future looks promising.
Awesome! Thanks for sharing your journey. I know many who can benefit from your story, if they will only pursue the One who is transforming you and your marriage!